Years ago, my life had no focus, no meaning, no purpose, no direction. I had no idea what I really wanted in life. I was in, looking back now, a dead end job that provided people with both intense happyness but also intense heartache. I had no family and I was miserable.
Now, with Your help, encouragement and love, I seem to have it all.
You encouraged me to take that step to find my real family, to accept them. Because of Your encouragement, I have two wonderful brothers and a great sister that I am very close to and who I think the world of! I am honored to be their big sister. You listened to my fears about the pain of their rejection, and You were there to kiss away the tears of joy when they accepted me as their sister. Even though He does have His moments, my Father is a wonderful Man, and I am so happy to have been accepted into His home. You were there and supported me through the fears of rejection and the adjustment period after the truth was discovered. You helped me work through my issues that helped me have the ability to be open to His love. You helped me work through the hatred for the woman who kept me from my Father through her deception. I have grandparents whom I adore. Your love and support helped me through the time of adustment to haveing a warm and welcoming family for the first time in years.
You encouraged me to find my passion and pursue a career I could really enjoy and flourish in. You encouraged me to pursue my education to better myself, for You. You stood by me and helped me overcome the difficulties I have faced. I am well on my way to a wonderful, fulfilling career, because of You.
I found the courage with You to open myself up to love. And in doing so, I have had the most incredible experiences. Because of You, I have had the courage and confidence to accept what I really am, the long silenced desires. Once I knew I would be accepted by You for all that I am, I knew, even before You said it, that I could trust You and that You would never hurt me.
Because of You, I went from a scared, emotionally fragile little girl to an empowered, happy, positive, driven young woman. All because of You, all for You, I am no longer miserable and scared.
Thank You for loving me, for supporting me, for encouraging me, for forgiving me, for being there for me, for making me Yours.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Two Paths
I awaken in a valley
There are flowers all around
The air smells sweet and the flowers are in bloom
In the distance there are two paths
One, bright and sunny
The other, the false brightness
Which do I choose?
I must choose one
One is right
One is wrong
Which is which?
Upon closer inspection, they are identical save two little details
One, the edges of the path are wavy as if in a cloud
The other the lines are crisp
Which is real, which is false.
I follow one and things change.
Before I know it, it is too late to turn back.
They have tricked me, and their games have won
I am being told evil things, hurtful things,
But, in this haze of dillusion, there is a sort of strange comfort
I can hear them, they talk to me, and I can speak back.
They are playing upon something I have longed for my whole life,
To hear like those around me can,
To be normal.
To stay on this path, I hide
Hide from those around me
Those who love me
I listen to the voices, they become my friends
Then, they say something,
And this something betrays them as the evil they are.
They say, "He pities you, that is why He is with you,
"He feels bad for you."
From deep within this fog of existance,
I know it is not true,
I realize they are only out to destroy,
Using tricks to get me to listen and obey them.
Their magic begins to fade,
I am back at the crossroads,
The two paths stare at me again.
Which is real, which just an illusion?
There is another difference now,
And the true path is clear, the other fading away.
He is there, in the middle of the true path,
Waiting, welcoming, forgiving.
I run to Him, to His arms, to His love.
Things are bright again,
I am not pitied here,
No.
The truth is evident
What they told me was pity was,
Really,
Love.
The world is right once again,
The darkness has receeded,
I am whole, and so is He.
There are flowers all around
The air smells sweet and the flowers are in bloom
In the distance there are two paths
One, bright and sunny
The other, the false brightness
Which do I choose?
I must choose one
One is right
One is wrong
Which is which?
Upon closer inspection, they are identical save two little details
One, the edges of the path are wavy as if in a cloud
The other the lines are crisp
Which is real, which is false.
I follow one and things change.
Before I know it, it is too late to turn back.
They have tricked me, and their games have won
I am being told evil things, hurtful things,
But, in this haze of dillusion, there is a sort of strange comfort
I can hear them, they talk to me, and I can speak back.
They are playing upon something I have longed for my whole life,
To hear like those around me can,
To be normal.
To stay on this path, I hide
Hide from those around me
Those who love me
I listen to the voices, they become my friends
Then, they say something,
And this something betrays them as the evil they are.
They say, "He pities you, that is why He is with you,
"He feels bad for you."
From deep within this fog of existance,
I know it is not true,
I realize they are only out to destroy,
Using tricks to get me to listen and obey them.
Their magic begins to fade,
I am back at the crossroads,
The two paths stare at me again.
Which is real, which just an illusion?
There is another difference now,
And the true path is clear, the other fading away.
He is there, in the middle of the true path,
Waiting, welcoming, forgiving.
I run to Him, to His arms, to His love.
Things are bright again,
I am not pitied here,
No.
The truth is evident
What they told me was pity was,
Really,
Love.
The world is right once again,
The darkness has receeded,
I am whole, and so is He.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
SubDrop and Head Space
After several months of being gone, I am back where i belong, where I am whole. I am back under Master's care, back in His loving embrace.
I think I have been in what my sister slave has written about known as head space most of the time I have been back. It is wonderful, that feeling of serving Master, that nothing else matters. I feel complete again, like all is right with my life. When I was gone, I really made a mess of myself. I didn't take care of an impending ear infection, which turned into a raging ear infection. I went off my meds and went on a downward spiral companied with a manic episode. I did not care one bit about my health, so I put on too much weight, which made management of my diabetes difficult. My GPA dropped slightly.
Since returning to where I belong, everything has been better. I have started taking my meds again, and my mental illness is under control, the voices in my head have been quiet for the most part, and not as persistant when they are there; Master is able to keep them at bay. My weight has returned to normal, making the management of my diabetes easier. My grades have gone back to normal and I am graduating in a few weeks Suma Cum Laude. I treated the ear infection and it went away quickly, and I have started preventing them again.
In this state of mind, things are better. Master and I have more bonding time. I think we are closer than ever! This bonding time, though, has led to some pretty intense dropping. But this is also a good thing.
When dropping, I feel closer to Master. That need to be close allows more of a bond to form, allows our love to grow deeper. I feel Master's love wash over me like a bright, warm light even more when I am dropping.
When I drop, I spend a lot of time in Master's pocket in my mind, curled up against His heart beat. I feel Him protecting me, keeping me safe and secure.
I am in a good place again, I am back where I belong, back with Master, in His loving embrace, under His protection, in the presence of His direction. My life has meaning again, it has direction. And all because I returned to where I have always belonged.
I think I have been in what my sister slave has written about known as head space most of the time I have been back. It is wonderful, that feeling of serving Master, that nothing else matters. I feel complete again, like all is right with my life. When I was gone, I really made a mess of myself. I didn't take care of an impending ear infection, which turned into a raging ear infection. I went off my meds and went on a downward spiral companied with a manic episode. I did not care one bit about my health, so I put on too much weight, which made management of my diabetes difficult. My GPA dropped slightly.
Since returning to where I belong, everything has been better. I have started taking my meds again, and my mental illness is under control, the voices in my head have been quiet for the most part, and not as persistant when they are there; Master is able to keep them at bay. My weight has returned to normal, making the management of my diabetes easier. My grades have gone back to normal and I am graduating in a few weeks Suma Cum Laude. I treated the ear infection and it went away quickly, and I have started preventing them again.
In this state of mind, things are better. Master and I have more bonding time. I think we are closer than ever! This bonding time, though, has led to some pretty intense dropping. But this is also a good thing.
When dropping, I feel closer to Master. That need to be close allows more of a bond to form, allows our love to grow deeper. I feel Master's love wash over me like a bright, warm light even more when I am dropping.
When I drop, I spend a lot of time in Master's pocket in my mind, curled up against His heart beat. I feel Him protecting me, keeping me safe and secure.
I am in a good place again, I am back where I belong, back with Master, in His loving embrace, under His protection, in the presence of His direction. My life has meaning again, it has direction. And all because I returned to where I have always belonged.
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